If you’ve been navigating the turbulent waters of co-parenting with a narcissist, you know it’s not just a challenge for you, but also for your kids. In our last chat, we delved into mastering co-parenting in such tricky situations. Today, let’s shift our focus to the young stars of our lives – our children. How do we help them build resilience and thrive, despite the complex dynamics at play? It’s all about empowering them with the right tools and understanding. So, grab a comfy seat, and let’s explore some empowering strategies to boost our children’s resilience and emotional strength in the world of co-parenting with a narcissist.
Start by understanding that building resilience in our children is a priceless gift, extending far beyond the current challenges of co-parenting with a narcissistic person. It’s about equipping them with a life-skill set that will serve them well into adulthood. Resilience isn’t just about bouncing back from difficulties; it’s about learning to navigate life’s ups and downs with grace and strength (and I know a thing or two about that!).
By nurturing resilience now, we’re not only helping our children manage the specific challenges of a narcissistic co-parent but also laying a strong foundation for them to handle future life challenges. Whether it’s overcoming personal setbacks, facing academic pressures, or navigating complex social or work dynamics, resilient children grow into adults who can adapt, persevere, and find joy even in tough times, hopefully without needing therapy. This journey is about instilling in them the confidence and skills to stand strong, no matter what life throws their way.
Impact of Narcissistic Parenting
Children raised by a narcissistic parent often experience a range of negative outcomes. They may feel unseen or unheard, as the parent attempts to control every aspect of the child’s life and prioritizes their own needs over the child’s. This can lead to the child not trusting their own feelings, resulting in crippling self-doubt. Additionally, the focus on the parent’s image over the child’s authentic self can lead to the child feeling emotionally empty and not nurtured. This environment often stunts the child’s emotional development and fosters feelings of being unlovable, leading to poor self-esteem and potentially long-lasting psychological issues. [Source]
According to experts at the Newport Institute, children raised by narcissistic parents often develop low self-worth, anxiety, depression, codependency, and difficulties with emotional intimacy. These adult children might exhibit traits like people-pleasing tendencies, persistent self-doubt, chronic self-blame, and insecure attachment styles. The institute also highlights the importance of therapy and self-care measures for these individuals to heal from the trauma of narcissistic parenting, but the goal is to prevent your child from needing therapy. [Source]
Risks to Child Development:
Narcissistic parenting can impact the child’s development in various ways. For instance, due to the parent’s self-centeredness, there might be inadequate nurturing, which is vital for the development of a positive self-concept and basic security. If a child does not receive proper care and emotional support, it can lead to insecurity, self-doubt, and an overall flawed self-concept. Additionally, narcissistic parents might be insensitive to the child’s needs, impeding their developmental progress and leading to feelings of low self-confidence and unworthiness. [Source]
Dr. Karyl McBride, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers,” notes the profound effects of narcissistic parenting on children. She emphasizes that children of narcissistic parents often don’t feel heard or seen, their feelings and reality are not acknowledged, and they are more valued for what they do rather than who they are. This can lead to crippling self-doubt, fear of authenticity, and poor self-esteem as the child grows up, believing they are unworthy and unlovable. [Source]
Scapegoating and Mental Health Outcomes
A study focusing on scapegoating in families with narcissistic parents found that this behavior significantly impacts children’s mental health. Children targeted as scapegoats in such families are more likely to exhibit increased symptoms of anxiety and depression in young adulthood. The study highlighted that both paternal grandiose narcissism and maternal vulnerable narcissism can indirectly affect children’s mental health through scapegoating, emphasizing the crucial role of this dynamic in narcissistic family structures. [Source]
A study cited by Mary Ann Little, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, links narcissistic parenting to low trust, feelings of shame, commitment difficulties, and poor relationship strategies in children. This shows the long-term impact on the child’s ability to form healthy relationships and maintain a positive self-concept. [Source]
Fostering Open Communication:
One of the most empowering things we can do for our children, especially in this complex co-parenting situation with a narcissist, is to foster an environment of open communication. It’s essential for children to know that their home is a safe haven where their feelings and thoughts are not only welcomed but also valued and respected. This open dialogue goes beyond just talking; it’s about nurturing a deep connection and understanding.
Encourage your children to share their feelings and thoughts openly. Whether it’s joy, sadness, frustration, or confusion, let them know every emotion is important and valid. This can be integrated into daily routines, like during casual chats over dinner, cooking together, bedtime stories, or any activities they enjoy. For instance, while drawing or playing, ask them how their day was, what made them happy, or if something bothered them. It’s these seemingly small conversations that build a foundation of trust and openness and set the stage for them to understand they are FREE to talk to you.
Creating this judgment-free zone is crucial, especially when one parent is narcissistic. The narcissistic co-parent will most likely want to control every second of their lives, from what they eat (even if they don’t like that food – like chives) to which activities they can be enrolled in. Children in these situations may often feel like they need to suppress their feelings or walk on eggshells because they don’t want to upset one or both parents.
Remember, just because the other party is a narcissist, it doesn’t mean the child doesn’t love them. This is extremely important to keep in mind at all time. Your job is not to badmouth or criticize your narcissistic co-parent. Your job is to create an environment where they feel safe. Never ill-speak of your challenges co-parenting with a narcissist to your children, this will only confuse your children and will not show that they are truly “free” and “safe to be” with you.
By providing a contrasting experience where their feelings are acknowledged and respected, you’re helping them understand that their emotions are normal and they have a right to express them. This practice is not just about providing comfort in the moment; it’s a powerful tool that teaches them emotional intelligence – a skill they’ll carry into adulthood.
Moreover, fostering open communication helps children develop a sense of self-awareness and empathy. They learn to articulate their feelings and understand the emotions of others. This emotional skill set is invaluable as they navigate life’s challenges, form relationships, and make decisions.
Additionally, in situations where a narcissistic co-parent might be feeding them negative or confusing narratives, having a channel for open communication allows you to provide clarity, reassurance, and a balanced perspective. It’s a way to counteract any potential emotional manipulation they might face.
In essence, by encouraging open communication, we’re not just providing a safe space for our children; we’re empowering them with the confidence to express themselves and the assurance that they’re heard and valued. This nurturing approach lays the groundwork for their emotional resilience, self-esteem, and ability to navigate life’s complexities with a clear and confident voice.
Strengthening Self-Esteem:
Bolstering your child’s self-esteem is more than just a supportive gesture; it’s a vital component of their emotional armor. A strong sense of self-worth acts as a buffer against negative influences and helps your child maintain their sense of identity in the face of adversity.
Here’s how you can actively nurture this:
Encourage Their Interests: Children often find joy and a sense of accomplishment in activities they love. Be it painting, sports, reading, music, or science experiments, actively encourage these pursuits. These activities are not just hobbies; they’re platforms where children can experience success, learn from failures, and most importantly, explore and express their individuality.
Set Achievable Goals: Goal setting, even for small tasks or short-term activities, can significantly boost a child’s confidence. Whether it’s completing a simple project, learning a new skill, or helping with household chores (you will be surprised to learn how many kids actually like learning how to operate a washer and a dryer, even if your whites end up looking a little pink – true story!), achieving these goals gives them a sense of achievement and reinforces their belief in their abilities.
Celebrate Their Successes: Recognition of their achievements, big or small, is crucial. Celebrating their successes reinforces their self-worth. It’s not about the scale of the achievement but the acknowledgment that they have done well. This celebration can be as simple as a verbal acknowledgment, a high-five, or a special treat.
Positive Affirmations and Reflection: Regularly remind your children of their strengths and qualities. Discuss their achievements and challenges, highlighting what they did well and how they can grow, but now what they did wrong. This practice helps them internalize a positive self-image and understand that growth and self-improvement are ongoing processes, without feeling as if they have failed.
Teach Them to Value Their Own Opinions: In a household where one parent is narcissistic, a child might feel that their opinions are undervalued, constantly challenged, or worse, that they don’t have a right to voice their opinions. Teach them that their thoughts and opinions are valuable. Engage in conversations where you ask for their opinion and genuinely consider it. This teaches them that their voice matters and is respected.
Model Self-Love and Positive Self-Talk: Children learn a lot by observing their parents. Show them how to treat oneself with kindness and respect. Avoid self-criticism in your language and actions. Instead, demonstrate how to speak positively about oneself and handle mistakes or failures as opportunities for growth.
Create a Supportive Home Environment: Your home should be a sanctuary for your children—a place where they feel unequivocally safe, loved, and appreciated for their true selves. It’s crucial that they have a space where their thoughts, feelings, and expressions are met with understanding and acceptance, not judgment, ridicule, or control. A fantastic way to foster this sense of safety and personal space is by encouraging your children to create their own little “child cave” within their room. This personalized space can be their retreat, a corner of the world they can decorate and organize according to their tastes and preferences. It becomes a tangible expression of their identity and a comforting, private haven where they can unwind, process their emotions, or simply engage in activities they love. This “child cave” not only provides them with a physical sense of security but also reinforces the idea that they have control over their own environment, an important concept especially when dealing with the unpredictability of a narcissistic co-parent. In this personal space, they can surround themselves with things that make them happy and comfortable, creating a buffer against external stresses and giving them a much-needed sense of autonomy and peace.
In the context of co-parenting with a narcissistic person, these efforts in strengthening your child’s self-esteem are especially significant. They help counterbalance any negative messages or behaviors the child might be experiencing from the other parent. By building a strong sense of self-worth, you equip your child with the resilience to navigate not only the challenges within your family dynamics but also those they will encounter in the wider world.
A robust self-esteem is the foundation upon which children learn to trust their abilities, make sound decisions, and approach life with a healthy level of confidence. This inner strength is particularly essential in situations where they may face contradictory or undermining attitudes from a narcissistic co-parent. With a solid sense of self, your children are more likely to maintain their individuality and not be swayed by external negativity.
Furthermore, fostering self-esteem is not just a reactive measure to current circumstances but a proactive investment in your child’s future. Children with healthy self-esteem are better equipped to handle peer pressure, academic challenges, and personal setbacks. They tend to have better coping skills, more resilience in the face of failure, and a stronger belief in their ability to influence their outcomes positively.
Strengthening your child’s self-esteem is about empowering them with the belief that they are capable, worthy, and valued. It’s about giving them the tools to recognize their worth independently, without seeking validation from others, including a narcissistic co-parent.
Teaching Emotional Intelligence (EI):
Teaching your children emotional intelligence (EI) is not just beneficial; it’s essential for their emotional and mental well-being. Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, use, and manage one’s own emotions in positive ways. It helps children communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges, and defuse conflict.
Here’s how you can foster emotional intelligence in your children:
Identify and Name Emotions: Begin by teaching your children to identify and name their emotions. Use everyday situations as opportunities to discuss feelings. For example, if they seem upset after a phone call with the other parent, encourage them to express what they’re feeling. Is it sadness, frustration, confusion? Naming emotions helps in recognizing and understanding them.
Understand the ‘Why’ Behind Feelings: Help your children understand what triggers their emotions. Discussing the ‘why’ helps them make sense of their feelings and teaches them to be introspective. For instance, if they feel anxious about visiting their other parent, explore the reasons behind this anxiety. Understanding the cause of emotions is a critical step in managing them effectively.
Healthy Expression of Emotions: Encourage your children to express their emotions in healthy ways. This could be through creative outlets like drawing, writing, or playing music. Physical activities like sports, dance, or even talking walks (the great outdoors is a wonderful healing agent for anyone) are also excellent ways for children to channel their emotions. These activities provide an outlet for emotional release and help in processing feelings.
Develop Empathy: Teach your children to understand and empathize with others’ emotions. This can be done through simple practices like discussing how a friend or a character in a story might be feeling and why, or perhaps one of their classmates. Empathy is a core component of emotional intelligence that aids in forming healthy, understanding relationships. Helping your children develop empathy is extremely crucial when the other co-parent is a narcissist. Chances are, they are not going to learn this valuable skill with them.
Problem-Solving and Emotional Regulation: Teach your children how to calm themselves when they’re upset. This might involve deep breathing, counting to ten, or taking a break from a stressful situation. Help them understand that while they can’t always control what they feel, they can control how they respond to those feelings. Encourage them to think of solutions to emotional challenges – for instance, if they’re feeling lonely, what could they do to feel better? Could they play with a pet, talk to a friend, or engage in a favorite hobby?
Model Emotional Intelligence: Children learn a great deal from observing adults. Demonstrate emotional intelligence in your interactions. Show them how you manage your emotions, particularly in difficult situations. For example, if you’re feeling stressed, verbalize this and explain how you’re going to deal with it. This not only provides them with a real-life example but also normalizes discussions about emotional health.
Positive Reinforcement: When your children handle their emotions well or show empathy, praise them. Positive reinforcement encourages them to continue using their emotional intelligence skills. Acknowledge their effort in managing their feelings, even if the outcome wasn’t perfect.
The importance of teaching emotional intelligence, especially in a family dynamic where one parent is narcissistic, cannot be overstated. Children who develop EI are better equipped to navigate the emotional complexities that come with such family situations. They become more adept at understanding and dealing with their own emotions and are less likely to be negatively impacted by the negative emotional manipulation tactics of a narcissistic co-parent. These skills lay a foundation for healthier emotional functioning in all areas of life, from personal relationships to academic and professional success.
By fostering emotional intelligence, you’re providing your children with crucial tools for emotional resilience and well-being, helping them grow into emotionally healthy adults.
Establishing Routines and Stability:
When you’re stuck co-parenting with a narcissist, creating a sense of stability and predictability in your home becomes vital for your child’s emotional well-being, and for yours. Children thrive on routine and structure; it gives them a sense of safety and normalcy amidst the chaos that can ensue from co-parenting challenges. But don’t confuse stability and predictability with control and rigidity. This is the opposite of what a safe haven should look like, and they are probably dealing with that at the other household.
Consistent Daily Routines: Establishing regular routines in your household provides a reliable framework for your child’s day-to-day life. This could include set times for meals, homework, play, and bedtime. These routines don’t have to be rigid but should provide a predictable pattern that children can depend on. For instance, even if mealtimes vary slightly from day to day (generally because of your work or their school responsibilities), the sequence of events like dinner, then bath, then bedtime story, and lights out should remain consistent.
Stable Emotional Environment: Beyond the physical routines, it’s equally important to foster a stable emotional environment. This means creating a space where children feel safe to express themselves and know that their feelings are respected and addressed. In a two household situation, where one parent is narcissistic, a child might frequently encounter unpredictability and emotional upheaval. Counteracting this with a calm, nurturing home environment where emotional stability is a priority can be immensely reassuring for them.
Reassurance and Open Dialogue: Children dealing with a controlling narcissistic co-parent may often feel anxious or uncertain because they are not free to express their feelings, emotions, likes, and dislikes without the narcissistic co-parent exerting control over these. Regular check-ins where you discuss their feelings and reassure them can help mitigate these anxieties. Encourage open conversations about their day, their worries, and their joys. This practice not only fortifies the routine but also strengthens the bond and trust between you and your child.
Predictable Transitions Between Homes: For children moving between two households, transitions can be particularly stressful. Strive to make these transitions as smooth and predictable as possible. Have a consistent routine for drop-offs and pick-ups. Preparing them in advance for the transition, discussing what they can expect at the other home, and maintaining a positive tone about the change can ease their apprehension.
Balancing Flexibility and Consistency: While routines are important, it’s also crucial to teach children to adapt to changes. Life is unpredictable, and they should know it’s okay if things don’t always go as planned. Balancing routine with flexibility prepares them to handle changes more adaptively, be it in their immediate environment or in broader life situations.
By establishing routines and stability, you provide a buffer for your child against the unpredictability that often accompanies a narcissistic co-parent. This sense of normalcy in your home becomes a sanctuary of predictability and safety they can count on, which is crucial for their emotional and psychological development. In doing so, you not only counterbalance the challenges posed by the co-parenting dynamic but also instill in your child a sense of security that supports their overall growth and well-being.
Encouraging Social Connections:
Creating a robust support network for children beyond their immediate family circle is a crucial strategy, particularly when navigating the complexities of co-parenting with a narcissist. These external social connections play a vital role in a child’s emotional health, offering additional support, diverse perspectives, and a sense of belonging that is critical during challenging times. I am a firm believer that a child needs to have social interactions with people of different ages, as each offers a unique perspective and learning opportunity.
Interacting with people from various age groups, from younger peers to older mentors, can provide children with a broader understanding of the world and their place in it. Younger children can evoke a sense of responsibility and leadership, while older mentors or relatives can offer wisdom, guidance, and a different kind of companionship. These interactions contribute to a child’s social and emotional development, teaching them empathy, respect for diversity, and the value of different life experiences. In the context of co-parenting with a narcissist, where a child’s viewpoint might be constrained or undervalued, these varied social interactions become even more significant. They help the child to see beyond the immediate familial challenges, enrich their experiences, and promote a well-rounded emotional growth.
Fostering Friendships: Encourage your children to build and maintain friendships. Friends offer emotional support, fun, and an escape from family tensions. Facilitate opportunities for your children to socialize, whether through play-dates, activities, or virtually. For example, one of my readers facilitates “virtual tea time” for her daughter with a friend who moved to Europe. Friendships are not just about leisure; they are essential for developing social skills, building self-esteem, and finding solace among peers who understand and share similar experiences.
Connecting with Extended Family: Relationships with extended family members can be a source of great comfort and stability. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins often provide a different kind of nurturing and can offer a sense of continuity, especially when the child’s relationship with the narcissistic co-parent is strained or unpredictable. Encourage regular interactions with extended family, whether in person or through digital means, to reinforce these bonds.
Involvement in Community Activities: Participation in clubs, sports teams, or other group activities can be incredibly beneficial. These groups help children feel part of something larger than themselves, fostering a sense of community and belonging. They also provide opportunities for children to develop new skills, work as part of a team, and gain a sense of accomplishment. The confidence and self-worth gained from these activities can be a powerful counterbalance to any negative dynamics they might experience with a narcissistic co-parent.
Promoting Hobbies and Interests: Encourage your children to pursue hobbies and interests that connect them with like-minded individuals. Whether it’s a book club, a robotics or coding team, or a dance class, engaging in activities they are passionate about can lead to meaningful connections with others who share their interests.
Modeling Social Interaction: Demonstrate healthy social interactions through your behavior. Let your children see you engaging positively with friends, family, and community members. Modeling these interactions can teach children valuable lessons about communication, empathy, and building relationships.
In a situation where one parent tends to dominate or control aspects of the child’s life, these outside connections become even more critical. They provide alternative sources of affection, validation, and guidance, helping to balance and mitigate the impact of a narcissistic co-parent’s influence. By nurturing these connections, you empower your children with a network of support and a sense of community that contributes significantly to their overall emotional resilience and well-being.
In a Nutshell
As we navigate the often stormy seas of co-parenting with a narcissist, it’s vital to remember that, like a seasoned captain, our primary duty is to steer our ship – our family – through these turbulent waters with skill and care. Our children, the precious first mates in this journey, rely on us not just for direction but also for a sense of safety and normalcy amidst the chaos.
The reality is, we are “stuck” in this co-parenting arrangement with a narcissistic individual, and there’s no changing that fundamental fact. They may continue to display controlling behaviors and rigid attitudes, but what we can control is our response, our resilience, and most importantly, the environment we create for our children. In a situation where we can’t control the waves made by a narcissistic co-parent, our focus must shift to maintaining a steady course for ourselves and our children.
As you journey through these stormy waters, remember that your primary role is to safeguard the well-being and happiness of your children. In your home – your ship – create an environment where they can thrive, away from the turbulence. Your approach, your reactions, and the stability you provide are the anchors that will keep their world steady. While you can’t control the actions of a narcissistic co-parent, you can control how you respond, how you navigate through their attempts at control and rigidity, and most importantly, how you shield and nurture your children.
Embrace your role as the calm in and after the storm. Protect the precious time you have with your children and make it count. In your home, let them find peace, joy, and the freedom to grow. Your role isn’t just about weathering the storm; it’s about guiding your ship to a place where both you and your children can flourish. The journey might be long, and at times it will extend beyond childhood, but with each day comes an opportunity to reinforce love, stability, and resilience. Remember, in this journey, you’re not just surviving; you’re teaching your children how to sail through life’s challenges with grace and strength.
